Goddess of My Shadows
by Silver to Crimson
Summary: Hogwarts hires a new DADA teacher who proves to be intelligent and caring, and never laughes. Severus tells the story from a 22-year-old Potions Master's point of view. Quick read, complete.
1. Default Chapter

**Goddess of My Shadows**

Severus Snape sometimes wished that there was an easier way to evade the Dark Lord than to teach children who couldn't care less the profound skill and precision required for the art of potion-making.

He had once been quite like those children; bored, uninterested, and hormonal. The only difference between him and the others had been James Potter.

James Potter had despised Severus Snape for one reason; Severus didn't care. When James would stroll off the Quidditch pitch, looking for affection and admiration, Severus had his nose stuck in a book. When James kissed Lily passionately in the halls, Severus would turn around politely and take a different route. Finally, James had forced Severus to care in the only way that he could; he humiliated him.

Now, 4 years after his graduation, Severus was seated at the Head Table in the Great Hall. He had never seen himself here, teaching at Hogwarts. This was the one place that he hoped to leave more than anywhere else, and the one place where he was safe.

The new students had been sorted, but there was still one teacher missing. The new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher was late, and the feast was coming to a close. Severus glanced at his house table, but saw no one of interest, so allowed his thoughts to return to the essay he was writing. He was arguing that blast-ended skrewts should be legalised in England, due to the magical properties they possessed and their uses in potions.

Suddenly, the door to the Great Hall opened. Severus lifted his chin from his hand and gazed at the figure that entered. She had dark cherry hair, confident brown eyes and a smirk that could make a dragon nervous.

As was the custom, she wore her Hogwarts robes, but underneath, she bore a close fitting burgundy velvet top and very close fitting dress pants. Severus guessed that she was about 23.

She walked gracefully up to the Head Table and spoke briefly with the Head Master. She took the empty seat beside Severus, as was tradition, and he looked away, now realising that he had been staring at her. He was less embarrassed, however, when he noticed that he wasn't the only one. Bill Weasley, one of the Professor's favourite students, looked about ready to faint. Severus crossed his legs casually (and quite strategically) and greeted the new teacher.

"Severus Snape," he said in his deep, calm voice. "Welcome to Hogwarts."

"Thank you Severus." Oh how he loved the way she said his name. "I'm Kali Ridler. Nice to meet you."

"The pleasure's all mine," he said earnestly.

"What is it that you do here?" she asked.

"I'm the Potions master," he replied.

Kali whistled in appreciation. "You must look young for your age. Becoming a master takes years."

"I was apprenticed by Dumbledore at 16. I became a master last year."

"That would make you 23, correct?"

"Twenty-two, actually, though I progressed more quickly than most."

"Interesting," Kali responded slyly. She raised an eyebrow and was about to speak when Dumbledore rose.

"Please welcome our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Ridler. I will now -"

But nobody heard what Dumbledore had said, due to the loud clapping, cheering, whistling and general approval from the students. When the noise finally died down, Dumbledore continued.

"Please follow your Prefects to your Common Rooms. Professors, please see me once you have made sure that the students are fine."

Severus walked to his House's table and spoke quickly to the Prefects, then strode out of the hall. He never bothered to meet his students before classes. He failed to see the point; his students were never that keen on him in the first place, why cause the relationship to begin any sooner than necessary? Aside from that, the noise normally gave him a horrible migraine.

"Considering the speed with which you left the Great Hall, one would think that you're trying to avoid me, Severus."

Professor Ridler stood halfway down the dungeon corridor, leaning casually against the stone wall and examining a nail. She turned to him and gave him a crooked smile, then stood up properly and walked toward him.

"Not you, Professor, the students," he said. His voice guarded the fact that he was incredibly nervous and had no idea how to act in such a situation.

"Call me Kali."

"Of course. I hope you don't mind my asking, but how did you know that I would be down here?"

"Did I say I was looking for you?" she said, her voice confirming that she had, in fact, been waiting for him.

"Forgive me. I hadn't considered that you enjoyed taking long walks in dank, dark, cold corridors," he said, his thin lips curling into what might have been a smile.

"I didn't come for the walk," she said, moving closer to him. He swallowed hard, then hoped that she hadn't noticed. "I had a question to ask you."

"Yes?" he asked, his voice cracking nervously.

"I've never taught a Defence class before and was wondering if you might know what types of things they've been taught," she said, leaning against the wall again. Severus brought his eyebrows together and mentally frowned.

"I've never discussed it with the other Professors. I tend to keep to myself most of the time, but I'm sure that Dumbledore can give you reports on that sort of thing."

"Alright, thanks," she said, walking away.

"You're welcome," he responded, then walked into his private chambers. He immediately went to his bedroom and lay down on his bed. The soft, satin sheets rubbed against his neck and cheeks, asking him to sleep. He closed his eyes to acquiesce to their call, but his mind wouldn't stop racing. He hadn't thought about anyone like this since sixth year, and that had been short-lived. Severus had a feeling that this would last much longer.

He went over their entire conversation more than eight times, even though he knew that she'd only wanted to know what to instruct.

_Wait a bloody tic. I'd already told her that I was the Potions Master. Why would she come all the way down here to ask me about the class?_

"Bloody Hell."

* * *

Severus woke up an hour early the next morning and found that he was unable to go back to sleep. He stepped into the bathroom, turned on the shower and stared into the mirror while he waited for the water to warm up. 

The only noticeable differences in his physical appearance were that he'd filled out his body, which two years previous had been tall and lanky, and that his acne had finally cleared up. His eyes were now cold and quite a bit darker than they had been. He sighed and undressed, stepped into the shower and let the hot water cleanse away his thoughts.

* * *

A/N: I've been told that Severus is a bit out of character by a giant bunny in a man suit, (aka Brianne.) I felt that perhaps I should explain my reasoning.

Severus, at this time, is not a bitter man full of hate. Of course, he is still partly hanging on to his teen angst, as well as having horrible thoughts because of Voldemort. I held on to what I think his main characteristics are, aside from those that are caused by being hurt and bitter. I know from experience that all that it takes is one single time where you've trusted someone and had that taken away from you for you to change in ways you never thought possible.

p.s. Kali is not a Mary-Sue. She has faults as well. We all do.


	2. The Beginning

**The Beginning**

Severus walked into the Great Hall expecting it to be empty. He'd walked all the way to the Head table and had nearly sat down before he realised that Professor Ridler was seated beside him.

"Good morning, Severus," she said after finishing her article in the paper.

"What makes you think that it is a good one?" he asked, smirking.

"What makes you think that it isn't?" she retorted, then stood up, picked up her piece of toast and walked out of the Great Hall.

The routine continued for the next three weeks. Every morning, Severus awoke at 5:45, took a long shower, then dressed and went to the Great Hall. Every day she said "Good morning, Severus," and each day received the same response. After her own retort to his question, she would pick up her piece of toast, fold her paper, and walk out of the Great Hall.

They hardly ever saw each other outside of the Great Hall. The rarely spoke at dinner, and at supper they spoke only of their classes. She would often praise certain students or ask his opinion on her lesson plans, but they never spoke of anything more personal than that.

They had passed each other on the stairs a few times, but had said nothing and had only nodded shortly. Had it not been for the look in her deep brown eyes, he would have thought that she'd lost all interest in him.

Eventually he tired of the routine. It had been a comfort, knowing that he'd see her each morning, but now he wanted to know where she retreated to so faithfully. Instead of going to the Great Hall, he stood outside the door and waited for her to leave. She didn't notice him standing in the corner, nor did she notice his quiet footsteps as he followed her out of the castle.

The next morning, Severus awoke as usual, resuming the routine. He walked into the Great Hall and took his seat.

"Good morning, Severus," she said.

"What makes you think that it is a good one?"

"What makes you think that it isn't?"

"That's where you go every morning, isn't it?" he asked her when she stood up to leave.

"What do you mean?" she asked slyly, stopping to look at him.

"You go outside to find out if it's a good morning."

"Care to join me?" she asked, then walked out of the Great Hall without waiting for a response.

Severus stood and followed her. His long broad steps quickly caught up to her shorter ones. Before long he was walking directly beside her, saying nothing.

They walked all the way to the lake before either one of them spoke. Kali sat on the grass and leaned against a huge rock, staring at the sky.

"You were right," she finally said. "I do come out here to find out if it's a good morning."

"How can you tell?" he asked.

"The feeling in the air. Far too many people judge the day based on the sky. They assume that the rain means a bad day and that a sunny one means a good day. So Severus, is it a good day or a bad one?"

He stopped to look at her, wondering if she only wanted his opinion or if she wanted him to feel it. Either way, he knew that it was a good day, and said so.

"What makes you think that it's a good day?" she asked with a smirk.

"What makes you think that it isn't?" he answered just before bringing his lips to hers.

* * *

A/N: Aw... so cute. Okay maybe cute isn't the right word. They're a bit to edgy to be cute.

Anyhow, hope you liked the chapter. Kali is a bit queer, but hey, aren't we all. Look at me, for example. I write fanfiction based on people that I don't know and a world that doesn't exist. I wear skirts over my jeans and play football. I like math. I think that last one speaks for itself, actually.


	3. The Middle

**The Middle**

Severus spent every free moment with Kali. He wasn't quite sure how, but she almost always found a way to see him between classes. They spent their dinner hour down by the lake, talking about their school years. Kali often tried to ask him about his family by speaking first of hers, but he never once gave her an answer. Digging up memories that he had tried so strongly to bury was not something that he was willing to do, no matter how much he cared about her. He shared his worst memories with her, discussed his rivalry with James Potter, and occasionally tried to explain the essays that he was writing.

* * *

"What are you working on?" Kali asked one not-so-sunny afternoon. 

"I'm trying to finish this essay on Mudfungus and it's uses in potions. I should have sent it in yesterday, it will never get there on time now," he said, feeling frustrated with himself.

Kali leaned over his should to read his essay, which was one of her more irritating qualities. She furrowed her brow, obviously trying to make sense of it, but eventually gave up and flopped down on the grass. "You work so intently," she said.

He tore his gaze from his parchment for the first time since they'd sat down and looked at her. He had been about to ask why she'd said it, but the expression on her face told him that it was just a passing comment. "How are your classes going?" he asked, putting down his work.

She smiled and looked at him. "The little buggers still can't control the reflection of the spells off of their blocking charms. The sixth years can't understand why a switching spell is a useful one when dealing with the Dark Arts. The Slytherin first years seem to think that my class should be teaching them how to use the Dark Arts, not defend against them." She sighed happily and turned to look at the sky. "You've got dirt all over your face, by the way."

Severus hurriedly wiped the smudges off of his face.

* * *

Kali, in turn, shared her past relationships, memories of her childhood and even took him to meet her family. They were a strange unit, but a tightly knit one. They showed him pictures of her as a little girl and told ridiculous stories. Apparently she had been quite feisty and mysterious, even as a child. She'd always had the ability to make friends easily, but had usually found more comfort in a book than in people.

* * *

"Mom, Dad! I've brought someone to meet -" 

Kali's voice was halted when a younger girl, probably around 16 years old, jumped on her and smothered her in a hug. Severus clung nervously to his over-cloak and stood awkwardly at the door, waiting for the two to stop hugging. When they did eventually stand up, Kali took his hand and led him to the kitchen, where her parents were seated comfortably, talking to a dark haired man, who sat on the counter drinking a mug of something hot. They stopped talking and looked up at him.

"Hi, guys," she said, moving to give each of her parents a hug. They looked at him cautiously, then at the man seated on the counter. The man had cocked his head to the side and was observing Severus, which made him feel very uncomfortable. Finally the man smiled and slid to the floor, walked over to Severus and shook his hand. Kali's parent's relaxed immediately.

"You must be Severus," he said.

"Yes, I am," Severus replied, unsure of how to act. The family was so inviting, so unlike his own had been.

"I'm Apollo, nice to finally meet you. Since Kali has been so kind as to not introduce you to our family, I'll do it. This is our mother, Cynthia, our father, Leo, and that little one over there is Kairos."

"Nice to meet you," they said in unison, then laughed. Kali led him to the table, where they each took a seat.

"Likewise," Severus responded.

"Would you like something to drink, Severus?" Leo asked him.

"No thank you." He looked over at Kali, who was smirking wildly at him. He nudged her in the ribs, after which she kicked him under the table. He had to concentrate very hard not to change his expression.

"This is my boyfriend," Kali said after an awkward silence. Cynthia glared at him, but the rest of the family seemed to have accepted this already. "He's the Potions master at Hogwarts."

"How long have you been seeing each other?" Leo asked.

"Just over a month," Kali responded.

"Wanna see some really bad pictures of Kali?" asked Kairos. She ran off to get the albums before Severus had even opened his mouth to respond. He found himself smiling, and before long, he was talking animatedly about Quidditch with Leo and Apollo.

Kairos came staggering into the room, arms heaped with albums. Severus stood up and took more than half of them and carried them to the table. She smiled appreciatively and took her spot at the table. This family seemed to do that a lot… smile. It was something that he wasn't used to, but he found that he liked it.

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

They had already finished eating and had retired to the living room, but Kairos was still showing Severus pictures of Kali. Kali had left to talk to her parents long before, and Apollo was reading quietly in a chair in the corner of the room.

"…and then she jumped out of the bathtub, put her hands on her hips, and vowed never to shower again," Kairos finished, laughing hysterically. Severus stared down at the picture. An eight-year-old Kali stood there with nothing on, half covered in bubbles, with her arms crossed over her chest. Her eyebrows were brought together, but her eyes were laughing.

Apollo laughed softly behind his book when Kali came into the room. "What's so funny?" she asked, baring the same expression as the picture. She looked down at the album, paused to scan the pictures, then screamed and slammed the book shut. Severus laughed, even though he knew he shouldn't have, and she punched him in the shoulder.

* * *

_Three weeks later..._

* * *

Severus realised little by little that he was in love with Kali. She was one of the few things in his life that made it worth living. He could even ignore the fiery pain in his left forearm for a time when he was with her.

* * *

"Severus, where are you going?"

"Nowhere, I just have some place to be," he answered, searching for his robes.

"I wish you'd tell me where you go when you leave. You can trust me, you know that."

"I do trust you, I simply don't want to involve you. Just being with me involves you more than you can imagine," he said, anger and sadness creeping into his voice.

"Then I deserve to know what it is that I'm involved in," she argued.

"I love you," he said for the first time, though it came more abruptly than he had meant it to.

"I… I love you too, Severus."

* * *

He wasn't sure what exactly it was that made her so different than anyone else. Her eyes contained so much depth that he couldn't help but look into them when she spoke.

* * *

"Kali, what are you doing?" 

"Going swimming. Care to join me?" she answered while undressing.

"That water is freezing, it's the middle of October."

Despite his warnings, she jumped into the lake. He watched desperately, waiting for her to resurface. When she didn't come up after a minute, he too jumped into the water, fully clothed.

He stayed under the water for as long as he could, searching for her, but finally had to come back up for air. He subconsciously cursed himself for not thinking to cast a heating charm.

He broke the surface and looked around frantically. There on the shore stood Kali, completely unclothed, laughing at him with her eyes.

"That was not funny," he complained, swimming lazily back to the shore. "I was really worried about you."

"I know, I'm sorry," she said, wrapping her arms around him. Her body was warm, quite contrary to his own. She'd obviously remembered to cast a few spells herself. "I didn't mean to scare you like that."

"Put some clothes on," he grumbled, turning away from her. Despite the fact that he could not see her, he knew that she was smiling at him.

A few minutes later see sat down beside him and laid her head in his lap, now fully clothed. "I really didn't mean to scare you. I thought that you would realise that I'd cast a spell."

"I know. I'm just glad that you're alright," he said, stroking a piece of hair out of her eyes.

"My sister wrote me and asked me to say hello. She sent you cookies as well."

"Be sure to thank her for me."

"Severus, do you love me?" she asked after a pause.

"You know I do," he said, his deep brown eyes staring down into hers.

"Yeah, I guess I do," she replied, staring off into space.

* * *

They came from such different lives, and yet they were so alike. Her younger years had been full of joy and love - something that Severus had rarely experienced - yet she seemed to understand him so well. She could tell when he was upset about something and always tried to help in any way that she could. If he asked to be alone, she didn't mind - she simply picked up one of his Potions texts and went into another room to read quietly while he sorted out the problem. She shared his horribly sarcastic, dark sense of humour, and though she never laughed, her eyes did it for her.

* * *

"Severus, what's wrong?" 

"My experiment is not working quite the way I expected it to and it's quite frustrating."

"Anything I can do to help?"

He looked up at her and well near smiled. She cocked her head to the side and smiled back at him.

"You've already done it," he said.

"I haven't done a damn thing and you know it," she said, eyes laughing.

"Yes I do. I just need some time alone to work on this."

"Of course. I have papers to correct anyhow. I'll be in your room when you've finished."

* * *

A/N: Alright, so I just thought that I might need to explain this chapter before the complaints about it's choppiness ensue. In case you didn't catch it, this chapter is a memory chapter up until the last scene. Severus is reflecting upon his relationship with Kali, and we all know that people don't organize their thoughts based on fluidity, they often just pop into our heads. If anything, the fact that Severus manages to think entirely about her is a sign of how much he cares about her.

Each scene is proceded by a paragraph relating to it.This is because Severus thinks of their relationship in generalities before remembering specific events. I don't know, it makes sense to me.

p.s. In case any of you were wondering, the children's names all have meanings and were very carefully chosen based on that. Kali means Dark Goddess, Kairos means Last Born Goddess and Apollo is the God of Truth and Light. You may want to re-read the scene containing them, as their names do play a part in that. Let me know if you have any guesses, either in a review or in a personal e-mail.


	4. The End

**The End**

Severus awoke feeling colder than usual. He opened his eyes and stared blankly at the other half of the bed, which was unusually empty for this time of the morning. He finally looked away and got out of bed, stepped into the shower and let the hot water rush over his body. He didn't linger though. He had some place to be.

He dressed quickly and strode out of his chambers. He walked into the Great Hall but it remained empty, therefore he walked out to the lake. He closed his eyes and immediately felt that something was wrong. Today was not a good day.

"Albus," Severus said, storming into the Head Master's office.

"Severus. Would you care for a lemon drop? Or perhaps something a bit stronger…" he added when he noticed the grief on the younger man's face.

"Sir, Professor Ridler is gone."

Dumbledore's eyes lost their twinkle for only a brief moment, but the moment felt like an eternity to Severus.

"She left you this," he said, handing Severus a note. He frowned at the letter in his hand, arms shaking.

"Where is she?" he demanded suddenly.

"She didn't say. She does care about you, Severus. Don't be so blinded that you forget to realise that."

Severus slammed his fists onto the table in frustration, then crumpled the letter in his hand and walked out of the room. He went to his Chambers without realising it, threw the letter onto the table and crawled back into bed. It felt extraordinarily large and empty.

* * *

Severus stayed in bed for two days. He knew that he was being childish, knew that he had responsibilities not only to his job but also to his students. He didn't care. 

Halloween morning he got out of bed and walked into the kitchen to make something to eat. His eggs stuck to his throat and his coffee tasted like dirty water, but he knew that if he didn't eat something, he was going to die. Not that it mattered anymore.

He stared at the crumpled up piece of parchment on his table, contemplating as to whether or not he should open it. He finally picked it up and broke the seal, slowly unfolded it and read the unfamiliar handwriting. He realised at that point that he had never seen Kali's writing before.

_Severus,_

_I wish I could explain everything to you, but this must be kept in the deepest confidence. I should have told you before, but I couldn't. I'm a coward and I didn't want to lose you. I couldn't bear to see the look in your eyes when you realised what I was telling you._

_I'll explain everything when I return, I promise. I can't tell you where I am or what I'm doing, but I should be gone only a month. I can't ask you not to be angry with me, that would be ridiculous, but I do ask you to try to understand. I can't imagine what you must be thinking right now._

_I will come back, Severus, and when I do, I'll make it up to you. I understand the pain that you're feeling, as I feel it too. Today is not a good day._

_All my love and with the deepest apologies,_

_Kali Ridler_

Severus stared silently at the note. His forearm burned intensely, but none of that mattered anymore. She was gone. Everything that he wanted, needed, had ever cared for had left him. He walked back to his room, took a sleeping drought and slept for the next week.

When he finally awoke, he made a vow never to love again. He concentrated all of his efforts into the meetings, finding out every bit of information that he could and being careful to relay that information to the Head Master. All of his waking moments were filled with potions and books, and he never allowed his mind to wander. It felt like being a teenager all over again.

Despite the fact that all of his energy went into forgetting about her, he often felt like she was there, watching him. While doing his Christmas shopping, he could have sworn that he saw her, watching him from behind a shop window. The memory pained him more than any spell had ever done and he swore never to buy another Christmas present.

His teaching became very strict, to the point where the students no longer respected him. The quality of their work decreased and he found that they feared him more than they feared making mistakes. With time he became the most bitter, sarcastic, cruel, hated man in the school. That didn't matter to him anymore.

Nothing mattered.

* * *

A/N: Reviews would be nice. A second story, entitled something that I haven't decided on yet, (that's not the title, I was attempting to be funny...) is the relationship from Kali's point of view. Some of the same scenes are repeted, some are not, which makes sense (at least to me) since she would have different favorite memories than Severus, for the most part. It also shows why Kali didn't return, which probably is driving you guys crazy already, so keep in touch and check back often. 

Thanks so much for sticking with it.


End file.
